DESMOND REID

         If all be true that I do think, There are five
        reasons we should drink; Good wine - a friend -
        or being dry - Or lest we should be by and by -
                    Or any other reason why.

                                              -- Henry Aldrich

                @ COPYRIGHT 1993 by DESMOND REID

                          NOT FOR SALE

   The following appendix is the property of its author, who
hereby states that he retains the copyright. You may distribute
it at will, provided that nothing in the appendix, this notice,
   or any of the credits are altered in any way; and that you
                 do not make a profit from it.

                       TABLE OF CONTENTS

Comedy Non-Weapon Proficiency Standard Jokes One-Liners 101 Spells Not Worth Memorizing Funny Stories Skits Special Thanks


of Slots Required: 1

Relevant Ability: Charisma Check Modifier: Special

 A character with this proficiency is an entertainer who tells

jokes, riddles and funny stories and/or performs various other comic acts. The character can make anything funny, but DMs may require a proficiency check to see if the audience responds well to the comedy or not. When performing, the comedian can raise morale by 2 on a successful proficiency check. A failed check lowers morale by 2. For each failed check, a cumulative -1 modifier is assigned for this comedy set. For each success check, a cumulative +1 modifier is assigned for this comedy set. DMs may allow modifiers to the comedian's proficiency check. For comedians who prepare well for a comedy routine (i.e. the player prepares for a good role-playing session), the proficiency check is modified by +1. Failure to prepare gives a modifier of -1. Intelligence plays an important part in comedy. Knowing what the audience wants and how to deliver it is important. On a successful Intelligence check, a +1 modifier is applicable. On a roll of 20 the crowd tries to kill the comedian, or at least throws him/her out. The comedy was that bad! On a roll of 1 the comedy was so good that people are falling out of their chairs and rolling on the floor. The comedian might have to stop until people regain the composure. The comedian will also gain a bonus modifier of +1d4 when performing for this audience again. The audience must make a morale check after each joke or after the entire performance (DM's decision). Usually, a tougher crowd requires more morale checks. If the audience succeeds in a morale check, then the audience will tolerate the comedian, for now. If the audience fails a morale check, then the audience acts unfavorably, if not hostile, towards the comedian. Note that alcohol effects the morale of the audience. If the audience, in general, is slightly intoxicated the morale is modified by +1. If the audience is moderately intoxicated the morale is modified by +2. If the audience is greatly intoxicated the morale is modified by +3.

                         STANDARD JOKES

Q: What is 2 inches long, has 4 arms, 3 eyes and a really long toungue? A: I dunno either, but it is on your shoulder !!!!

Q: What's the difference between a female half-orc and a party's healer? A: You don't appreciate either until they go down

Q: What did the Red Dragon say to the Knight? A: "Care to join me for lunch?"

Q: What did the Red Dragon think about the knight? A: It was delicious!

Q: What do you get when you cut a Half-ling in half? A: That easy a Quarterling.

Q: What do you throw a drowning dwarf? A: His wife and kids.

Q: Why should you bind pixies with leather strips? A: So they don't explode when you have sex with them!

Q: Why do gnomes have such big noses? A: So they have somplace to keep their fingers.

Q. How do you get an Orc out of a tree? A. Cut the rope.

Q. How do you keep a dwarf from drowning? A: Take your foot of his head.

Q: What do a Nymph and a Turtle have in common? A: If you get 'em on their backs, they're F***ed.


Take our cleric - please.

Cap'n Tim, I gotta go to the bathroom-where is the poop deck?

Is that a gold piece in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a halbard in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Druids do it in the woods.

Rangers do it in the bushes.

Thieves do it in leather.

Assassins do it from behind.

Mages do it with their hands and mouth.

Clerics do it on the altar.

Ogres do it with stone clubs.

Paladins do it in their dreams.

Hobbits do it in a hole.

Basilisks do it with their eyes closed.

Vampires do it in the dark.


                   The "Official" List, V0.9b

                    compiled by Bill Garrett

This list has been edited for spelling and content. Thanks to all who contributed: Nathan Amed, Paul Brinkley, Jay Cherry, Jonathan Coolidge, Joe Delisle, Nushae Siobhan Fahey, Curtis Frye, Bill Garrett, Larry Keber, John Kochmar, Tim Larson, Jonathan Sivier, Brian Snoddy, Stefan Thieme, and many others.

1 Auditable Glamour 2 Bigby's Groping Hand 3 Bigby's Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent) 4 Blind Self 5 Break-Wind Wall 6 Burning Hands (Yours, ouch) 7 Charm Self 8 Charm Undead (X rated version) 9 Cone of bubbles 10 Cure Light Winds 11 Dalamar's Whoopee Cushion (things that make you go hmmmm) 12 Darkness, 15 micron radius 13 Deathwish 14 Deeppocket Lint 15 Delayed Blast Flatulence 16 Deny Reality 17 Detect Crying 18 Detect Self (allows you to see if you are yourself) 19 Detect Stikes and Spares 20 Detect Wind 21 Differentiate Without Error (Hey, you never know...) 22 Dimension Doorknob 23 Dispurse Self 24 Evard's Black Growth (range: 0) 25 Explosive Familiar (it's your familiar) 26 Extension Cord I, II, and III 27 Extinguish Match (casting time: 5 rounds) 28 Find Acquaintance 29 Find Floor (somantic component: falling on face) 30 Find Hand (especially useful after casting Remove Hand) 31 Fiscal Projection 32 Heel 33 Hold Self 34 Hug Self 35 Indirection (address register postincrement) 36 Insect Plague, 5' Radius 37 Invisibility to Inanimate Objects. 38 Irritate Self 39 Kooshball 40 Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix 41 Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter 42 Leomund's Sturdy Music Box 43 Level Water 44 Lightning Blot 45 Locate Self (tells you where you are, relative to your location) 46 Magic Boomeranging Missile (hit that 1st level mage for 1d4+1) 47 Magic Missal 48 Magic Shotglass (as opposed to Magic Jar) 49 Melf's Acid Bow 50 Memorize Spell 51 Micrometeorite Storm 52 Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound 53 Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito 54 Muenster Summoning I-VII 55 Nystul's Undetectible Aura 56 Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck 57 Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies (9th level drow spell) 58 Plane XOR 59 Power Word, Smirk 60 Protection from Catnips 61 Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius 62 Protection from Halitosis 63 Protection from Normal Air 64 Protection from Normal Missals 65 Protection from Normal Pillows 66 Protection from Self 67 Protection from Weevil 68 Putrefy Offal 69 Rary's Mnemonic Device--makes silly acronyms out of things 70 Remove Hand (yours) 71 Remove Self 72 Reservation 73 Sheepskin 74 Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion) 75 Summon Self 76 Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter 77 Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder 78 Tasha's Uncontrollable Flatulence 79 Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Hand 80 Teleport Without Destination 81 Tenser's Formatted Disk 82 Tenser's Shocking Suggestion 83 Tenser's Slipped Disk 84 This Space for Rent (fills up space on in mage's memory) 85 Time Start 86 Tons 87 Transmute RGB to HSV 88 Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible) 89 Transmute ashes to ashes, dust to dust (priest spell) 90 Unscented Cloud 91 Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls) 92 Walk 93 Wall of Paper 94 Wall of Velcro 95 Wizard Lick

                         FUNNY STORIES

Red Dragon

A weak voiced barbarian just got fried by a old, red dragon. He says to the dragon, "No...... I meant a Bud Light".

Norse Gods

 The mighty god Thor sat in his hall in Asgard, bored by his godly

duties, and decided it was time for a vacation. He grabbed Mjolnir, snuck out the back, crossed the Rainbow bridge, and wound up in Midgard. He did his best to look and act like a mortal. He did some drinking and carousing, he won a few wrestling matches, and finally he found the most beautiful virgin peasant girl to bed. Well, needless to say, she was in for a real treat. They went at it most of the night until she finally passed out from exhaustion, but, as Thor was pleased to see, with a smile on her face. When she finally woke up, the god of thunder was feeling pretty guilty. He realized that he used his godly charms to woo this innocent young woman, and now she had to go through life frustrated because no mere mortal would be able to satisfy her. He decide to confess. "Milady," he bagan, "I fear that I have done you an injustice. You see, I am Thor." She looked up at him with her big brown eyes and said matter of factly, "You think you're Thor, I can hardly pith."

Clerics and their Weapons

 Brother Drewfius and Brother Tyronius got into an argument over a

difference in theological interpretation. They had never gotten along, and within a few minutes the argument had turned into a fight. They started out exchanging punches but soon they each had a weapon in hand. Just then, Brother Francis comes into the room and says "Brothers, stop this at once; this fight is pointless." "It better be," said Tyronius, "We're both Clerics."

A Monk and a Leap of Faith

 The Grandmaster of Flowers, Grandfather of Assassins, His Holy

General Priest of Tyr (or some other lawful good god), and the King of Corymr were talking. They ended up in an argument about whose followers were the toughest and most obedient. They all decided to find the best of their best and hold a tournament to see whos was most loyal. Each of the four tried and tested their followers to see who was the most powerful and most loyal. At last they were all ready to compete. They met at the edge of a cliff. At the bottom of the 50' drop was a lake and in the lake were poisonous snakes, piranhas, and a dragon turtle. The only way out was to swim 200 yards across the lake, onto an island. The island was covered with lizard men and trolls. After passing through them, the followers would then have to enter a cave that led through a red dragons lair and would finally allow them to exit back near where they started. Looking at his Royal Knight, the King of Cormyr said "Sir Knight, for the honor and glory of the kingdom I want you to cross that lake, and return here through the cave." Looking over the scene, the knight replied "I am sorry my lord, but that is sure death. I cannot do it." Smiling, the Priest of Tyr turned to his paladin and said "You are the might of Tyr, most loyal and trust worthy follower. You know the task, accomplish it and receive the blessing of our Patron." Shaking his head slowly, the Paladin replied "I cannot do what you ask." The same thing happened when the Grandfather of assassins tried to send his man over the cliff. The Grandmaster of Flowers turned to his follower and said simply "Do it." Without so much as batting an eye, the Monk dove off the cliff and into the water. In a flash he was across the lake and entering the jungles on the island. As the group waited in anticipation, the heard a distant roar and flames came licking out the end of the cave. Shortly there after the brave young monk came running out, burned, battered and bleeding, but alive. The Grandfather ran over and hugged the young monk. "Son" he said, "Truly you are the pride of all of the monastery. Ask for anything, anything at all and it is yours." "All I want" he replied, "is to find out who the son-of-a-bitch was that pushed me...."


 A priest, a paladin and a thief are on a boat on a lake fishing.

The priest gets up and says, "Excuse me, I have to go relieve myself" and procedes to walk across the water to the woods, and comes back to the boat. A little while later the paladin says, "I, too, need to relieve myself" and proceeds to walk across the water to the woods and back. Still later, the thief says, "Well, I guess it's my turn." He gets out of the boat and sinks to the bottom of the lake. The priest turns to the Paladin and says, "Do you think we should have shown them where the ricks are?"


 Upon discovery of the local assassin's guild our faithful, loyal,

rightous, holy, brave and snooty paladin of Tyr bursts through the door and BrightButt says "I am BrightButt, faithful, loyal, rightous, holy, brave and snooty paladin of Tyr, and I know what evil this place holds and I know I must destroy it and I ARRGGHHHHHHHHH..." "You know what a crossbow bolt feels like in the back of your head." says a guildmember as the paladin falls to the floor.

 BrightPeter, loyal, rightous, faithful, brave, (and secretly

horny) paladin of Tyr talks to his patron priest about a problem he's been having. It seems as if BrightPeter has been waking up in his white, clean, pure bed with soiled underware and remembers a dream about one of the nuns he was... having. He tells his patron priest and the priest gives him a small task of attonement and some advice. "Tyr wants his warriors not to be wieghted down by impure thoughts and wayward sperm, so my son to aid yourself, you should.. um.. you could.. I mean if you would.. well.. relieve yourself." BrightPeter is obviously puzzled. "Spank your Monkey BrightPeter!!" He replies "I will know when to call for my warhorse but at what level can one call for his monkey? this is a temperate zone, and monkeys are non-migratery." The priest leaves disgusted and BrightPeter was never heard from again. It was said he left BrightTown for the jungles of South America, something about monkeys.


The Top Ten Ways to Tell if You are a Lich

  1. You get more then dandruff flakes when you scratch your head.

  2. The entrance way to your tower has a foot of dust in it, and you didn't sneeze when you cleaned it up.

  3. You don't tan anymore, but your skin still flakes, in large chunks.

  4. Your eyeballs fell out, and yet you can still see.

  5. You stopped getting junk mail.

  6. Young kids keep drawing caskets in the sand outside your tower.

  7. The nearby city keeps sending priests to 'talk' with you.

  8. The great-grandson of your first elven friend comes to visit asking if you can help with old age pains.

  9. Your familiar starts avoiding you.

...and the number 1 way to tell if you are a lich.....

You realize you haven't eaten, slept or had a drink in the past decade.

Beer Vs. Cucumbers

Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers:

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer:

SNL Parady

Interviewer: I'm here with Cajun Man, who is going to be fighting a dragon tomorrow. Can you tell me what you're feeling? Cajun Man: AnticipaSHUN. Interviewer: You've earned quite a reputation for yourself, especially after stopping an insane mage. Was it ever discovered what drove him mad? Cajun Man: Demonic possesSHUN. Interviewer: That does it to me every time. Tell me, why are you going after this particular dragon? Cajun Man: DestrucSHUN. Interviewer: That's right, this big fella successfully destroyed 5 cities. Cajun Man: CorrecSHUN. Interviewer: Sorry, it was 6 cities. Cajun Man, do you have any tricks up your sleeve? Cajun Man: Eyes of PetrificaSHUN. Interviewer: Is there anything you'd like to take, if you could buy it? Cajun Man: Sphere of AnnihilaSHUN. Interviewer: Any spells your mages will be putting on you? Cajun Man: Non-DetecSHUN. Interviewer: Isn't that being a little over cautious? What's the worst that could happen? Cajun Man: DecapitaSHUN. EvisceraSHUN. Interviewer: I guees you've got me there. How do you think the battle will be won? Cajun Man: Divine intervenSHUN. Interviewer: A little pessimistic, aren't we? Well, do you have any last requests in case the worst does happen? Cajun Man: ResurrecSHUN.

                         SPECIAL THANKS

The following people made contributions to this document: Ronald "Greymoon" Jones () Charles Emmons () Hellbane () Joe Delisle () Dengin Vaughn () Auther Maldonado () Robin F. Righettini () SHROUD () Pat () Roderic de Bruce () Auther Maldonado () () () Ryan Biggs ()

Bill Garrett () University of North Carolina who created the "101 Spells Not Worth Memorizing".